Shank a bitch
by juliuspepperwood
Summary: Jess and Nick get called into the principal's office because their son, Dylan, has misbehaved at school. - Nick/Jess, future fic.


_I don't really like this, but I don't see the point in just leaving it sat in my document's folder, so yeah… thanks for reading!  
Ps, if there are any typo's, do forgive me... it's 4:18am here, and I have yet to sleep. I'm sure you can cut me some slack ;)_

___I've made a tumblr, I'd love it if you'd check it out; __pepperwoodswife_

* * *

**Shank a bitch**

"Mr and Mrs Miller," Mr Ryan, the Principal of Dayton Park Elementary School, began as he leant forward in his seat towards Nick and Jess, who were sat side by side on the opposite side of his desk. "I asked you to see me here, today, to address the issue of your son, Dylan, fighting with some of our other students-"

"I believe he only fought one child, Mr Ryan" Nick interrupted him, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his seat slightly, inwardly grimacing as he took in the burly man's appearance.

He wore a light grey suit, a red tie with the School's badge repeatedly printed on it, and his hair was parted at one side, and sleekly gelled back in such a way that had Nick questioning whether he really _was_ a principal, or a member of the mafia.

Needless to say, he didn't like this guy.

"Yes Mr Miller, you are correct, there was only one child who Dylan fought with, I do apologise for my misleading choice of words".

"Your choice of words weren't _misleading_, Mr Ryan, they were simply wrong. You blatantly said '_some _of our other students', and we both know that there was only one child. Who, may I add, is a bully, and is a complete and utter little shi-"

"Nick!" Jess exclaimed from her seat next to him, and he reluctantly turned to meet her gaze, sighing at the warning glance that she shot him, and he slumped back into his seat, defeated.

"I'm sorry, Mr Ryan, my husband here has had a bad day at work. He didn't mean to take it out on you" Jess said sweetly, pushing up her glasses with her finger, before flashing the principal a wide grin. "Isn't that right, Nick?"

"Actually I had a great-" He looked up again to meet her eyes, and he stopped speaking as he noticed the purse of her lips, the raise of her brows, and he cleared his throat, before turning back to Mr Douchebag. Oops, Mr _Ryan_.

"Greatly horrific day" He finished his sentence, wincing at his poorly chosen words, and choosing to ignore the frown that graced Mr Ryan's features.

"Riiiight, well, I'll just go and get your son from class, and then we can discuss this" The principal stated calmly, smiling brightly at Jess, and Nick couldn't help but notice that his gaze seemed to linger on her for a tad longer than one would consider normal.

Nick glared at Mr Douchebag as he exited the room, and then he turned back towards his wife, yelping in pain as she smacked him on the top of his arm, hard.

"Would you please behave yourself, Nicholas!?" Jess exclaimed with an exasperated sigh, her already huge eyes widened beyond disbelief, so much so that Nick was afraid that they would pop out of her head at any given moment.

"I _am_ behaving myself, Jess, but that guy's a complete ass!" Nick was quick to defend himself, motioning towards the closed office door with his hand, and then bringing his gaze back to meet Jess'. "And he's obviously in love with you".

"_What_!?" Jess spat, her mouth opening slightly in disbelief at his _absurd_ accusation. "Don't be ridiculous, Nick! We're here to talk about Dylan, not to get me a new boyfriend!"

"You're damn right we're not here to get you a new boyfriend; you are my wife, Jessica, and if he so much as looks at you one more time, I swear to _God_ I will-"

"Oh shut up, Nick! Why must you be like this!?"

"Be like what? I'm defending your honour!"

"You're being a moron, that's what you're doing!"

"Jess, I-"

Nick stopped speaking as the office door opened once more, to reveal a very nervous looking Mr Douchebag, who Nick assumed had heard them yelling, and behind him, Nick saw the familiar, big blue eyes of his son staring up at him, who looked just as nervous as his principal did.

"Hey, buddy" Nick greeted his son, a wide smile appearing on his face as Dylan smiled himself, and then hurriedly made his way over to his father, crawling onto his lap and resting his head on his shoulder.

"What's this I hear about you punching somebody today, huh?" Jess asked, reaching forward and tilting Dylan's chin up with her finger, forcing him to look at her. "I thought we discussed this, sweetie; you _never_ resolve your problems with anger".

"But, Mum!" Dylan whined, sitting up straighter in his father's lap, and staring at his mother as he folded his arms across his chest. "He started it!".

"From what I have heard from other students, Mr and Mrs Miller," Mr Ryan began, making his way over to his desk and taking his previous seat on his desk chair, before turning back to face them with a weak smile. "Dylan is telling the truth; the other boy _did_ start the argument between the two of them".

"Well, of course he did" Nick sighed, pinching his nose between his thumb and index finger. "He's been causing trouble for Dylan for a while now, and so far nothing's been done to stop it. I, for one, am happy that Dylan finally stuck up for himself and socked this guy in the face".

"Nick, we're supposed to discipline, not encourage" Jess frowned at him, her arms folded across her chest, shaking her head slightly at how immature he was.

"Jess, our son is a badass!" Nick replied with a wide grin, before deciding that he had definitely said enough as she glared at him once more, and he sunk further back into his seat, not without noticing, however, the cute little smile that Dylan now had on his face as a result of his words.

"Yes, well, unfortunately Mr Miller, being a 'badass', as you call it, won't look too good on your son's resumé" Mr Ryan piped up, and Nick could _not_ hold back as he noticed the smug smile on the jackass' face.

"He's seven years old, you clown, he doesn't need a resumé! And why are you wearing so much hair gel? You look ridiculous! Are you a member of the mafia or something!?"

"NICK!" Jess cried, her arms flailing around her head comically as she turned to face him once more. "_What_ has gotten into you!?"

She didn't give him the time to answer, however, since she swiftly turned back to the principal with an apologetic smile on her face. "I'm so sorry, Mr Ryan".

"It's okay Mrs Miller" He replied with a smile of his own, before adding, in a rather dry tone of voice; "Your husband has had a 'greatly horrific' day at work, after all".

Yeah, Nick definitely hated this guy.

"So what's the next course of action?" Jess asked quickly, trying to change the subject and hoping, with all of her strength, that Nick didn't get up and punch this guy in the face.

"Well, I want to hear, from Dylan, his version of what happened" Mr Ryan answered her, folding his hands together and resting them on the desk in front of him. "Take it away, Dylan".

Dylan's gaze flickered between his Mum and Dad nervously, questioningly, and as Nick nodded his encouragement, he turned back to face his principal, took a deep breath, and began.

"I was doing my math work and Bradley Jones came up to me and said, 'Ew, Miller stinks of poo!' and it made me really mad, so I stood up and punched him in the face".

All three of the adults stared at him, expecting him to continue, but all they got was a tight lipped smile from the little boy, so Mr Ryan cleared his throat, and then leant towards him over his desk, before asking;

"Why did you punch him, Dylan? Why didn't you tell a teacher instead?"

"Because…" Dylan began with a quick shrug of his shoulders, "My uncle Schmidt told me that if Bradley ever said something mean to me again, I had to 'shank a bitch up in here'".

"HE SAID _WHAT_!?" Jess cried, her mouth open and her eyes wide at the shock of her little boy swearing, and as she buried her head in her hands, all she could think about was how she was going to leave this school, drive over to Cece and Schmidt's apartment, and crazy murder him.

"Dylan Walt Miller!" Nick began, pointing towards his son with his index finger, a stern expression on his face. "I don't want you to _ever_ use that language again, understand?".

Even Nick was surprised at how well he had handled that; it was no secret that, between the two of them, Jess was definitely the sterner parent, whilst he was the laid back, immature one, who was actually told off more than his son.

And all he wanted to do right now was laugh at how funny it had been to witness a seven year old swear.

And then, he wondered briefly, if his son actually knew what it meant to shank somebody, because he definitely hadn't done that.

"Yes dad" Dylan replied, looking down at his hands. "Sorry".

"Mr and Mrs Miller, I suggest that you take Dylan home and let him cool off for the rest of the day" Mr Ryan sighed, and at the sound of his voice, Jess pulled her hands away from her face and looked up at him. "I do, regrettably, have to issue Dylan with a three day suspension, since he was the one who initiated the violence".

Jess turned her attention to her boys, who were still sat sharing the seat next to her, and despite the situation they were in right now, she couldn't help but smile at them as they simultaneously turtle faced at the principal's words.

"What about the other kid?" Nick asked, obviously irritated that his son seemed to be the only one on the receiving end of any kind of punishment here. "He started it by running his mouth, is he gonna be suspended?"

"I assure you, Mr Miller, that the situation will be dealt with accordingly" The principal smiled, and Nick couldn't help but grimace at the half ass answer that Mr Douchebag had provided.

"Okay, well, we done here?" Nick asked impatiently, wanting nothing more than to get out of this clammy office, to get this jackass' shiny head out of his line of vision, and to go home with his family, where he would call Schmidt and demand that he put $100 in the douchebag jar.

When Schmidt had moved in with Cece, she had _insisted_ that he bring along the douchebag jar, since he would never _not_ need it, and for the first time, Nick was thankful that she had done so.

"Yes, we're all done" Mr Ryan replied with a small smile, standing up from his seat and smoothing down the front of his suit jacket with his hands. "Thank you for your time, Mr and Mrs Miller".

Nick stood up from his seat, choosing to simply lift his son with him, rather than make him get up. His right hand was holding Dylan tightly to his side, supporting his weight, and he hesitantly held out his left hand to the outstretched palm of Mr Ryan.

"Thanks for seeing us, man" Nick said politely, knowing that if he _didn't_ say thank you, Jess would certainly have something to say about it. Yeah, okay, he probably _shouldn't_ have addressed him as 'man', but it was better than simply punching him square in the jaw, like he really wanted to do.

Nick watched as Jess smiled at their son's principal and politely thanked him, shaking his hand as she did so, and Nick couldn't help but glare at the scumbag as he, once again, gazed at her for a length of time that Nick would _definitely_ consider to be creepy.

He turned away from the sight before him before he really _did_ lose his temper, and illustrate to his son what it really meant to shank a bitch. He, instead, focused on trying to locate Dylan's coat and rucksack, and laughed in triumph as he saw them sat on the floor near the door, and he hurried over to retrieve them with his free hand.

"Come back bright and early on Monday morning, Dylan, violence free and without any curse words!" Mr Ryan chuckled, and Nick rolled his eyes because, seriously?

He turned back to face Jess, before nodding in the direction of the door, indicating that he wanted to leave. Very much so.

"Goodbye, Mr Ryan, and thank you again for seeing us" Jess said sweetly, thanking him once more as he opened the door for her, and Nick followed closely behind her, muttering incoherent sentences about douchebag principal's as he did so.

"See you on Monday, Dylan!" Nick heard the jackass call, and he resisted the urge to flip him off over his shoulder.

As they walked down the cool, empty corridor of Dylan's school, Nick couldn't help but feel proud of his son.

Okay, so Jess would, no doubt, be less than happy about this, and she was probably devastated that her baby had used a curse word, (she didn't even like it when Nick swore!), but Nick couldn't help but feel happy that Dylan had finally stuck up for himself.

That kid had been bugging him for a few weeks now, and it was about time that he got what he rightly deserved.

That didn't mean that Nick approved of Schmidt telling his son to, 'Shank a bitch up in here', though.

"Dylan, I don't want you to ever use a naughty word like that again! And please, in the future, do not fight with your classmates!" Jess sighed, stopping in her tracks and turning to face Nick and Dylan as they trailed slightly behind her.

They caught up to her, and she smiled at her husband, taking the bag and jacket from the hand that Nick wasn't using to carry their son, and then intertwining her fingers with his, leading them towards the exit of the school.

"I won't Mummy" Dylan replied, and Jess couldn't help but smile at how cute he sounded when he called her 'Mummy'.

"Promise?" She asked him with a raise of her brows.

"I promise" He replied with a smile of his own, before leaning forwards and resting his head against his father's shoulder.

"Well, Miller" Jess said to Nick, smiling at him as he turned his head in her direction with a small smile. "You may say that he has my eyes, but he definitely has your temper".

* * *

"Cecelia, what do you think of my new kimono?" Schmidt asked enthusiastically as he emerged from their bedroom, strolling into the living room and standing directly in front of her, blocking her view of the television and forcing her to take in his appearance.

"Schmidt, that is the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life" Cece answered flatly, before motioning for him to move with her hand. "Now, get out of the way, I can't see the TV".

Schmidt had failed to pick up on the sarcasm in her voice, apparently, and he strolled into the kitchen with a huge grin on his face, exceptionally happy that his girlfriend approved of his attire, and he wondered how many other colours this thing came in, making a mental note to check on eBay before he went to bed.

He opened the fridge door with a happy, content sigh, and grabbed a bottle of water, unscrewing the lid and practically gulping the whole thing down.

The sound of his mobile phone ringing startled him slightly, and he almost dropped the bottle that he was holding. He rolled his eyes at the interruption, before setting the water down on the counter next to him and reaching into the top pocket of his Kimono, smiling as a familiar name flashed across the screen.

"Nicholas!" Schmidt exclaimed happily as he answered his phone, taking a seat at the breakfast bar and running a hand through his hair. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?"

"$100 in the douchebag jar, now" Nick said simply, causing Schmidt to frown in confusion. None the less, he knew that Nick wouldn't joke about this, so he made his way over to his jacket that was hanging on the coatrack behind the kitchen door, and pulled out his wallet.

"Do you mind telling me what I have done to deserve this, Nick?" Schmidt asked as he walked back into the living room, towards the douchebag jar that was currently resting on the coffee table, and he took a seat next to Cece on the sofa, who eyed him curiously as he opened his wallet, proceeding to count out the allocated amount.

"Oh, I don't know, Schmidt. How about the fact that my son got into a fight at school today, all because his uncle Schmidt told him to 'shank a bitch'!?" Nick's angered voice sounded through the phone, and Schmidt couldn't help but laugh as he stuffed the money into the jar, closing his wallet and then leaning back in his seat on the sofa.

"That's hilarious! I can't believe he did that!" He chuckled, bringing his feet to rest on the coffee table in front of him, earning him a disapproving smack on the leg from Cece.

"Yeah, well, you won't find it too hilarious when Jess gets her hands on you, Schmidty" Nick laughed, and before Schmidt could even question his words, Nick had hung up the phone, leaving his friend slightly confused and very, _very_ concerned for his life.

"Schmidt! Cece! Open up" Jess' voice rang from the other side of the front door, followed by several, impatient knocks, and Schmidt jumped up from the sofa, wide eyed as he began to frantically pace the living room, looking for a suitable place to hide.

"Just a sec, Jess, I'll be right there!" Cece called back, getting up from her seat on the sofa and moving to answer the front door, scowling at Schmidt as he jumped in front of her, blocking her path.

"Schmidt, get the hell out of my way; I don't have the patience for one of your silly little games right now".

"Cecelia, listen to me," Schmidt began, grasping the tops of her arms with his hands and shaking her madly, before forcing her eyes to meet his. "Lock the door, lock all of the windows; Jessica Day wants to kill me".

"Schmidt! Seriously?" Cece asked with a shake of her head, pushing him away from her with another scowl and making her way towards the front door once more, before opening the apartment door and smiling at her best friend.

"Hey babe, what's up?"

"I'm gonna kill you!" Jess yelled at Schmidt, who was crouched behind the sofa with his head peering over the top, and he screamed rather femininely as Jess practically sprinted towards him, attempting to smack him across the back of the head with her hand.

Schmidt army rolled out of the way, taking a moment to appreciate his quick thinking and impeccable agility, before springing to his feet and holding his arms out in front of him defensively. "Jessica, show some mercy, please!"

"Shut up, Schmidt!" Jess cried, running towards him once more with every intention of punching him in the face, and groaning in defeat as Schmidt narrowly dodged out of her way. "I'm gonna wring that scrawny little neck of yours!"

"Ah, Cecelia, help me!" Schmidt cried as Jess proceeded to chase him around the sofa, waving her handbag in front of her in an attempt to hit him with it, and Cece couldn't help but smile at Schmidt's high pitched, feminine cries for help.

Cece sighed, closing the door of her apartment and turning back to face her friend and boyfriend, laughing as she saw that Schmidt was now lying on his stomach on the floor, screaming for help as Jess sat on his back, pulling at his arms from behind.

_"That'll teach you to not teach my baby bad things!"_

_"Jess, please, I was on my period, I had no control of myself!"_

_"Stop trying to use that as an excuse, Schmidt; it never worked in the past, and it never will!"_

_"Jess, get off of me, before you damage one of my perfect arms_!"

Cece rolled her eyes at the two of them, before taking a seat on her sofa and picking up a magazine from the coffee table, opening it up and skimming through the pages, mumbling to herself;

"Just another normal day, then".


End file.
